Political Satire: Ways Mitt Romney Can Attract Latino Voters

Mitt Romney

GOP candidate Mitt Romney. (Photo: Gage Skidmore/flickr)

Today Fi2W introduces a new column by blogger and filmmaker Jack Tomas.   Jack will be following the candidates and the issues in the 2012 campaign from the perspective of Latino voters.  Learn more about him in this podcast interview and read his column below.

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Mitt Romney has been blazing the campaign trail in search of Latino voters. RNC National Hispanic Outreach Coordinator Bettina Inclan said recently that he hasn’t totally made up his mind about the immigration issue. This is strange seeing as Romney was so set on ‘self-deportation’ as the solution before. The reason he’s talking nice now is that one day he looked out of his Cadillac or whatever and realized that all the crap jobs he assumed were done by elves were actually done by Latinos, millions of voters he didn’t know existed. Latinos are often invisible to rich White dudes like Mitt. It’s like he got the special 3D glasses with a box of Cap’n Crunch and now he sees a hidden message: Latinos are everywhere! To help Mitt out, I’ve made a list of things he can do to try and capture the Latino vote.

Taco Tuesday

Everyone loves tacos, right? He can take a cue from East Haven, CT Mayor Joe Maturo who said he could pacify Latinos after allegations of police abuse by eating tacos for dinner. Mitt can promise that if he’s elected every Tuesday will be taco day. Anyone with a valid driver’s license or Green Card gets a free taco. Don’t ask for extra cheese though, that would be too ‘big government’.

Kill Fidel Castro

The Cuban-American vote is still largely Republican, but younger Cubans are defecting to the commun…I mean…Democrat side. However, if Mitt killed Fidel Castro he could recapture the entire Cuban community. Let’s face it, if it weren’t for him, Caucasian upper-middle class Cuban exiles would be living large on the island right now. How hard can killing Castro be? Just air drop Sarah Palin in with 500 rounds of ammo and tell her that Cuban moose have beards and wear tracksuits.

Put a statue of the Virgen de Guadalupe on the cabinet

Latinos love the Virgin Mary, right? Mitt has seen his maids praying with those rosary bead thingies. So, what better way to attract Latino voters than to put a statue of her on the cabinet? She can be in charge of abstinence-only programs or something.

Play Up His Mexican Family

Last year the press caught wind of Mitt having some relatives in Mexico. His dad was even born south of the border! Mitt’s devoted Mormon family moved there from Utah a hundred years ago so they could continue to practice polygamy. Why not trot these Mexicano Mitts at the occasional rally to drum up the crucial Mexican-American vote? Maybe he could teach them to play instruments and dress them up as mariachis.

Lowriderify Air Force One

Air Force One is a pretty cool plane, but it could be more Latino friendly if he pimped it out more. Drop the body a bit, add some hydraulics, and paint it sparkly green. Then maybe put some shag carpeting on the inside and get a pair of homies to fly the thing. He can ask Ann Romney to put on a bikini and lay provocatively across the nose cone. That is sure to be the cover of next month’s Lowrider Magazine. Oralé.

Jack Tomas is a writer, filmmaker, and editor working in New York. He’s originally from Houston, TX where he earned a BA in Theater and Communication from The University of St. Thomas. Later, he received an MA in Media Studies at The New School. Jack has worked several years as a professional filmmaker and his films have appeared in several film festivals including the Cannes Film Festival, The LA Comedy Shorts Festival, and The New York Independent Film Festival. Jack has worked as a professional blogger since 2009 writing for Guanabee.com, Tuvez.com, Egotastic.com, and Directorslive.com. He lives in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn with his wife Marybec and two cats.

Fi2W is supported by the New York Community Trust and the John S. and James L. Knight Foundation with additional support from the Ralph E. Odgen Foundation and the Sirus Fund. Fi2W podcasts are supported by WNYC, New York Public Radio and the CUNY Graduate School of Journalism.

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